Who to Invite
Generally, engagement parties are events for family and close friends. Guests at your engagement party will expect to be invited to your wedding as well, and will be offended if they are not. If you're planning a small, intimate wedding and are holding a large engagement bash so you can celebrate with your friends too, make this clear right off the bat, perhaps right in the invitation.It's also impolite to invite some members of your planned wedding party and not others (unless your engagement party is just for family) or to invite some members of a close circle of friends and not others. Another option is to hold two parties, one for family and one for friends, so nobody is left out. This might be a good option if one of the main purposes of your engagement party is for your fiancé's family to meet you, or vice versa.
You're also free to leave people off the invitation whom you feel obligated to invite to the wedding (such as estranged or openly disapproving family members.) However, you could also consider using this party as an opportunity to reconcile with these people. Just use your common sense when making the guest list, and you shouldn't offend anyone!
Engagement Party Traditions
Traditionally, the bride's parents host the engagement party. You're not required to stick to this tradition by any means, but keep in mind that some of the more conventional members of your family might expect or want to stick to this tradition. It's generally not polite to ask the matron of honor or best man to host the engagement party, since traditionally they plan the bridal shower and bachelor party, respectively, and will be plenty busy. It's also traditional for the bride's father to formally announce the engagement at the party; to be polite, ask the bride's father if he wants to carry this tradition out.Engagement party toasts are also steeped in tradition. The bride's father toasts first, then the groom, and finally other guests. Those being toasted are expected to accept graciously, remaining seated, and not to drink or raise their glasses. How strictly you stick to this tradition is up to you, but keep in mind again that some guests will expect it. Whether you have formal toasts or not, it's definitely good manners to recognize and thank both sets of parents.
One final tradition is an engagement gift given to the groom by the bride. He's given her a dazzling ring to show off; it's only proper that she respond in kind. The most traditional gift is a watch engraved with his initials or the date of the wedding or engagement.
The Gift Issue
Engagement gifts can be a sticky issue. Traditionally, gifts are not required at an engagement party, since bridal showers and weddings are also gift-giving occasions. You're welcome to state that gifts are not required on your invitation or to invite guests to donate to a charity instead; and although it is a good idea to go ahead and register so guests who want to buy you something will know what to get, it is not polite to include information about your registry in your invitation.If yo're a guest who wants to give a gift, the best thing to do is to mail it or give it privately to the couple rather than at the party. If you're one of the engaged parties and a guest does hand a gift to you at the party, thank them and ask politely if you can open it later, so the other guests won't feel bad. And, of course, send prompt thank-you notes after the party!
Although engagement gifts are not required in American culture, you or your partner might hail from another culture where gifts are obligatory; in this case, you should respect your partner's culture and explain the tradition to your guests.
Good Host Behavior
Be a peace-maker. If some of your guests don't like each other or don't approve of the marriage, be ready to defuse arguments and derail unfriendly conversations. If you think it's necessary, approach these trouble guests before the party and express to them how vital their presence is to you and the importance of putting aside their differences for your important day.Make introductions. Introduce all your guests to each other by name and give a little extra information to kick-start conversations. If you forget anyone's name or background, don't skip over them; admit your forgetfulness and ask them to help. Admitting your mistake is better than making someone feel left out!
Think through the logistics. Make sure the location you've chosen for your party will hold all the invited guests and will have enough parking for everyone. Does your location need to be handicap-accessible or have chairs for older or pregnant guests to sit in?
Give your guests' wallets a break. It's rude to hold your engagement party in an expensive restaurant and expect all your guests to pay for themselves. Even if money isn't an object for you, it probably is for some of your guests. If you can't afford a fancy sit-down dinner, consider holding a dessert or cocktail party instead.
Make the rounds. Unless your party is very intimate, you won't have time to talk with everyone, but make sure at least to greet everyone, shake their hands, and thank them for coming.
Defuse awkwardness. Is Grandma Josephine complaining again about how your fiancé isn't Jewish, or is your future father-in-law joking about how the wedding will mean the end of his son's philandering days? Defuse the tension by pulling that person aside and asking them quietly to change the subject.
Good Guest Behavior
If you want to host your friend's engagement party, make sure to check with the couple first. They might already have a host in mind or their parents might want to host. If the couple says no, accept their decision cheerfully and offer to help out in some other way.Some other bad guest behavior to avoid:
Don't forget to RSVP! And once you RSVP, make sure to attend! The engaged couple is depending on RSVP numbers to plan their party budget. If you have to cancel, give as much notice as possible.
Don't bring a date unless the invitation says you can. It's considered rude to ask the host if you can bring a guest.
Don't ask:
- Questions about the wedding budget.
- If you can be in the wedding party.
- if you can try on the ring.
Don't share inappropriate stories about the bride or groom with the in-laws, no matter how funny that story about the gay bar in Philadelphia is!
